What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
