I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
