I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
