Kiss
Puke
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
