dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
