imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
did i just pee glitter
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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