please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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