If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Hippo gnu deer
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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