Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
