Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
