The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
