I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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