period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
