it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
