Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
