im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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