She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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