apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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