You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
