So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
