I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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