I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize