you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
