He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
