Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
