I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Randomize