went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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