so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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