wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
