Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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