does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
