Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
