my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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