The maid of honor just puked.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize