oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Randomize
