i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
