nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
