The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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