So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just pee around me
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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