found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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