I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
