Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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