i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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