Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
