Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
