I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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