Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
