I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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