I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
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