im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
