im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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