Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
