I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
