i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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