I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
