at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
