this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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