at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
