I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
