she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
