My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
