This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
